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Saturday, January 20, 2007
birdsown the bugs and worms and the trees
serve as their towers: they watch over
our parks while bums sleep and they keep
clear of cats and children and birds
own the powerlines we're too scared to climb;
they perch in ropes across sunset reds
and clutch our lights, our heat, our wires,
vibrating against our electric hums and birds
own outer space: they shoot through a stratosphere
like bullets through a composition notebook;
they comprise the color of your average nebula,
gathering around the black hole, guarding the open gate
this is good. i would put a comma after "children" though... unless you like it when people have to those lines a couple of times.
the first time, i read it wrong. the second time, i read it right. and i like it a lot. a whole lot.
it comes out sounding more like lyrics to me, or it at least needs to be spoken out loud so the rhythm is grooovy. I like it too.
this is beautiful. i agree with morgan that it does have many song-like qualities. when i read it, i naturally wanted to sing it instead. how appropriate for a piece about birds. i love how you link the stanzas together. the third stanza caught me off-guard.
I like what're you're doing with the conjunction "and" it speeds through and sort of links birds closer to all those other objects that it jumps off of. I don't know how it works in the first line, however, with the trees as towers since linking the trees with the bugs and the worms does nothing for the overall birdness of the poem. Now I'm rambling.Post a Comment